Every day, I banter with myself. I figuratively go back and forth on positively joking and negatively as well. I gain a high of the possibilities, but I also feel the lows.
People around me -- and some that have a small interaction with me -- tend to give me an accurate appraisal. Sometimes I feel that they may be just attempting to gain personal favor, other times it feels genuine. But how do you differentiate, when, in your own mind, you're asking yourself if those appraisals are correct? How do you put trust in someone that has nothing but positive things to say, everytime you hear them speak? Is this normal?
I ask myself this question, and I ask others that may take the time out to read this blog post. I ask this question because, in the midst of everything I'm doing in my life right now, I've found myself wondering if there is someone out there who's shoulder I could tap on. If maybe someone else has similar feelings of insecurities when you're tested every day.
If you don't know anything about me, I'll happily fill you in without being too pretentious. The following is who and what I'm about 100%.
First off, I run track. I train with an Elite group based in Phoenix, AZ called Altis. I'm preparing to become an 800m/400m specialist; whichever of the two comes first, and I'm hopefully succeeding on a high level. I moved down to Arizona in the fall of 2016 after I finished college in the previous spring. I've been competing in the running sports on-and-off for the past 10 years, and I've battled injuries throughout the entire time.
Next, I'm a member of the U.S. Navy. Like track, I committed myself to serve and earn some stripes for my country. I've been in the reserves serving on active duty a few months a year for almost 8 years now. I know reading this makes me sound like a patriotic jarhead of sorts, but there are some things about this country that make me feel a sense of pride to give myself where others cannot. I have my reservations about political heads of state and policies therein. How I or anyone chooses to articulate that is entirely up to that individual or me. All I can account for is myself and my own experiences in this country.
To be short about it, I grew up in a fractured home; my parents were divorced. One of my step-fathers abused me verbally and physically. I lived in the inner-city of Milwaukee, WI, and Racine, WI respectively. My brothers were drug dealers; my birth father's education doesn't stretch past junior high school; I was sexually assaulted by a man; one of my favorite uncles is married to another favorite uncle, and I was sometimes bullied through all those experiences. But who hasn't had it bad, right? Not to throw ethnicity in there or race, but I'm Black. I think by default those problems get vastly worse. If I'm wrong, you're blind to a country's contemporary issues, its heads of states, police biases, and the country's history all respectively. In other words your an idiot and if this offends you somehow, my point is proven.
Things can't be all bad though right? I live in a city where there is job fluidity. I'm training around elite athletes. I am going to finish my first contract this year with the U.S. Navy. The third thing I am going to mention soon after this digression, I'm also doing my Masters at ASU. By those points of definition of priorities juxtaposed to opportunity, I think I'm doing well considering the upbringing as mentioned above and my cities' background.
As promised, on to the third thing. Last fall I started my Masters at ASU in Liberal Studies, concentrating on Film and Media Studies. Initially, this was weird to say, let alone write out on my Blog. Now it feels a bit more natural. I have to say and to be quite honest with myself, this is a robust program, albeit Liberal Studies. We all have our strict potential affirmed capacities. This endeavor is mine.
Another thing to mention is the way that I am bringing in income at the moment. I work at a dope coffee shop, I model for a talent agency, I do voice-over work for a company in Texas, I drive for an app called Door Dash, and I take photos and videos sometimes for various things. Though it sounds like I am a bit spread out -- and I am -- I love it. Its a challenge to juggle but I wouldn't have it any other way.
What does all this mean? It means my brain is going to explode lol. Maybe? No, It actually says that I'm normal within these different activities of monetary gain. I would honestly lose my head if I focused on one thing. I function well based on managing various projects. (These activities above don't happen in the same week or at the same time often)
Hopefully, you understand the meaning, I can try and describe how this relates to emotional intelligence.
Right now, I'm a bit of a recluse. That is, I'm not being to open to people outside of an immediate circle of friends. Sometimes, working with different personality types and people of varied backgrounds can be emotionally draining. And SOMETIMES, the only thing those same people have to go on from me is the face-value interaction they see; not thinking that there is something more or a little past their own worlds. This is fine. This is a typical human condition. We are meant to be selfish; we naturally look out for ourselves. So what does a co-worker, athletic counterpart, shipmate, or business client owe me or you beyond the shared, common denominators that brought us together in the first place? Not a thing but civilities, and of course anything negotiated otherwise. However, when this is not the typical compromise, then problems arise and exist.
This goes into the dynamics with the group I train with. I don't care to know any of the people in my group beyond my time at Altis unless some of them reciprocate a genuine sense of human sensibilities past their egos and temperaments. From the outside, even the coach doesn't see some of the minutiae of nuances that built up to me just not participating in mind games with them daily. I owe myself sanity. So, to be the bigger person, I've chosen to treat Altis as a Gym. Like any other gym, you treat people with the dignity that you would want -- typically. I won't get into the banter of a music selection on the Bluetooth of a sound speaker. I won't extend invitations to outside activities. I won't share my life. I will share a track, as there are 8 lanes. I'll do this until my time ends at Altis. I'll do this with all my baggage, not letting them bursts onto the floor. I'll do this for my older brother coaching from prison bars. I'll do this for my mother and father who came to my track meets in Wisconsin. I'll do it for anyone that can make an attempt to answer the phone when I make a call to them. I'll be crazy for this sport and sane at the same time.
Its crazy the positions people are put in, just to chase what they believe in. And I believe in this and myself too much. I'll be emotionally intelligent.
